How I Learned to Lead (The Hard Way)

I kind of fell into leadership. Although if you asked my brother, he'd tell you I was destined to be a boss from a young age. I was a very bossy child :)

As a teenager, though, I was obsessed with the film industry. I wanted to be a film director. I studied Film and Media and worked in production for five years before leaving that world to start my own business. I created a brand of yoga accessory products and co-founded an events and marketing platform for wellness. At the time, I just felt I could do more, make a bigger impact, than I was able to at my production job. Naivety is definitely bliss. Had I known how hard it would be to start a business and actually make a living from it, I might not have done it.

Eventually I sold my businesses and moved on to running companies for other people. That's where I grew the most. Building teams from the ground up, I made a lot of mistakes along the way, most of them simply out of not knowing. Over time, you start to realise what works and what doesn't.

Looking back, three lessons stand out above the rest.

1. There will always be a healthy distance between you and your team.

Leadership is not about being friends with everyone. Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions, and a certain separation between you and your team is essential to stay fair and avoid bias.

I learned this the hard way. Early on, I was friends with many people on my team. We were the same age, going through similar things in life, and I would hang out with them after work. Bonding with your team outside of work matters, and I still believe in it. But this went one step further. The lines blurred. Conversations about salary and titles started bleeding into what were supposed to be friendships. It created disappointment and unhappiness on both sides. It wasn't sustainable, and eventually those friendships fell apart.

You can be warm. You can be close. But there's a line that protects both you and them, and it's your job to hold it.

2. Trust people first.

The second lesson was to trust people from the start, rather than making them prove their worth before earning it. Withholding trust doesn't feel good to anyone. It sets people up to fail from the very beginning.

Early in my career, I was a micromanager. People started with a low trust score and had to slowly "earn" their way up with me. Eventually I realised this approach doesn't value the individual at all. Yes, if you trust someone from the start and it doesn't work out, you might have to pick up the pieces. But here's the thing: no one wants to fail. When you extend trust first, people instinctively rise to meet it. They do their best work because they feel seen and believed in. Trusting people from the start turned out to be far more effective, and far more human, than the way I used to lead. It validated people. It made them feel good. And that generally led to better results.

3. Never scold someone in front of others.

If someone needs a talking to, pull them aside and speak to them calmly and kindly. Telling someone off in front of the team creates far more harm than good.

When you correct someone privately, they can lower their guard and actually hear you. The message gets through. But do it in a room full of people, and all they'll feel is exposed. Their guard goes straight up, and the only thing they'll walk away thinking is how much they resent you for humiliating them in front of everyone. Nothing lands. Nothing changes. You've spent trust and gained nothing.

Leaving people in their worth, even when you're correcting them, is one of the most underrated skills in leadership.

These are just three of the lessons that shaped me. Obviously there have been many more, and plenty of mistakes along the way. But if I had to choose the ones that mattered most, it would be these. Because at the end of the day, leadership isn't about control. It's about people. And people remember how you made them feel.

Business is human. The future of leadership is SOFT.